i've been crying since thursday for different reasons. no, i'm not depressed. i just really can't understand Papa God right now. it's like everything is not working out for me these days...
i hope everyone is having better days. and will have happy holidays and a merry Christmas
Batanes had always been a dream destination for me. eversince highschool, there are only two Philippine places that i really really would like to visit.. Batanes and Amanpulo.
i remember when i met kuya king of RACE, first thing i asked him is when are they going to batanes. that time, it's still an idea for RACE but they're considering it already. and now, that idea is going to be a reality. they are going to batanes on March 20-23. i was really excited when i got to read it. but now, it depresses me, especially when abet gave me a list of those who are going to join. most of the angels would be there, and as of 5:45pm today only 8 slots are left.
i was thinking of a topic to post, and when i read abet's message, i literally became weak. so now, i'm writing this blog to somehow strengthen me (duh! as if there's a connection). and why did his message made me weak/depress? its because as of now it's only 5% chance for me to join them. why just 5%?
1. the cost is quite expensive. but i know RACE would accept installment to help you in your payment. hehe.
2. my future is totally unclear right now. i have some concerns that would totally affect my future
3. the dates are friday to monday. that means, 2 days of absent from work. i'm having a dilemma now for next saturday's schedule. so what more for the batanes trip which would be on a weekday pa.
call me shallow, but i really want to cry now. highschool dream.. still a far-fetched dream. shit! now, i'm really crying
sometimes i would go into hibernate mode from text messaging and the likes, i guess it's my time for myself or for other matters. but as a friend tells me, you should be careful when you go into a hibernate mode, because your friends or people might get used to of your absence.
i don't know why, but recently, this is what i am thinking. people would not really notice if i become gone. or become quiet, unless i do not send the morning prayers or the forwarded text messages. but my stories (as if i love telling stories) or other personal experiences, people would not miss.
i'm not afraid of death. honestly, i do not fear dying. what i fear is that i'll totally be forgotten.
--------------
this is what not i was really supposed to blog about. i don't know i just want to write it. that's all. end of drama mode
For my 27 years of existence in this world, it is only this year that I have experienced my lowest point. And I'm sure a lot of people would be surprised to hear this. 2008 had been a very different year for me. There had been memories for this year (Anawangin, Mindoro, dinner with friends), but there had been more of sad memories. Actually, it's just shallow but they affected me deeply. So how did I survive? How did I cope with my depression mode? It's thru my friends. There had been friends who I see once in a while that puts a smile on my face. But there are two groups in my friends list who had been there listening to my sad talks and made me laugh, comforts, understands and tried to be supportive. They are the Wakieboardies and the Angels.
They are special mentions because they are the ones I text or write when something is bothering me. They would just listen, sometimes has a comment but the important thing is they listen. That's why thank you my dear friends. You just don't know how much you've helped me to be sane.
Wakieboardies, I hope there'll be another out-of-town trip for us. Thank you for the pamorningan sessions. And for the spontaneous meet-ups. The emails, everything. I also hope people would not feel out of place when they're with us. Hahahaha. I just can't believe that one trip would make us bond like this.
Angels, I miss you girls. I don't know why I had been quiet. Even if I would really love to reply to your messages (text or ym), I really controlled myself not to. And I don't know why. Nagpapamiss. hahaha. Kay Papa Abet lang ako nagreply when he got back to Manila. Hehe. Hope to see you soon and I hope I can join again sa out of town trip nyo.
But to all my other friends who I have talked to this year, my new friends who I just met.. thank you. In your little ways, you've also helped me. Thank you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jassy, I don't have kilig kwentos. But when I have, that would be my next post.
this is a report from my Multiply. and I was surprised coz Meyms texted me that when she searched for one great love in Google, my post was on second page. hehe. and i have nothing to post, so i'm just re-posting this.
because of Maalaala Mo Kaya (episode of Eddie Garcia and Gloria Romero), Meyms texted us who is our one great love. the replies ranged from serious answers to michael scofield.
Jassy asked something about having a feelings for someone but after awhile when you meet again, it'll be a different feeling altogether. i asked.. how would you define one great love? you can't say tit's the person you're inlove with from eversince to the present, coz if it is, it'll be unfair to your present partner. i opened the topic to my friends who were with me, they answered (especially emcee)...
according to Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City, and Boston Legal, there are 2 great loves not one. first is the idealist and the second is the realist. idealist, your ideal one great love... and the realist, the one who would save you or catch you when you become broken hearted with the idealist.
i think that's right. with all the replies yesterday, they all had their one great love.. a part of their past.. but i think they would still meet another great love. this great love would be for forever, maybe that person would be the greatest love. hehe.
as for me, my friends said they know who my one great love is. and i think i know who they are saying. i don't know. as i said in my text reply.. "too early to tell." maybe they're right about my one great love. maybe siya yung idealist.. coz i know one day i would meet my realist :)
"Purpose, it's that little flame that lights a fire under your ass. Purpose, it keeps you going strong like a car with a full tank of gas. Everyone else has a purpose so what's mine? I don't know how I know but I'm gonna find my purpose. I don't know where I'm gonna look but I'm gonna find my purpose. What will it be? Where will it be? My purpose in life is a mystery. Gotta find my purpose Gotta find me" - Princeton, Avenue Q
these past weeks this is what i'm thinking. what is my purpose? what is my purpose in this life? seriously, i've been thinking about this.
how about you? do you know your purpose?
another topic.. i'm sorry if i don't post that much nor visit your blogs. am really busy these days.
when i was still studying, i've always said that i would not work in a government agency. that is why it was really surprising that i've lasted for 3.5 years in a government agency. and honestly, i don't regret working there. even if the pay is low (trust me on that), it was still a blessing for me. i have learned to have self-confidence, i learned how to do multi-tasking and always in a rush, and most importantly got to know some nice and fun people.
i'm really thankful to God coz it had been a blessing for me. working for boss(es) who believes in you, tries to understand your having a loud voice, and entrusting you with responsibilities. honestly, these are the things i prayed for when i was asking God for a job before.
also, gaining friends. i came to know a lot of people. gaining travel buddies along the way. those you can call on when you want to go out, those who would lend you some money first if you want to have coffee (or chocolate for my case) yet you do not have money to spend.
another thing i asked for is the chance to travel. and it was granted. i was able to travel from luzon to mindanao. though the only new place that i have visited was bacolod, i still enjoyed my travels. taling to the field office people on the phone and visiting some of them in their offices is a great experience.
but for me to grow, i need to move on. i need to experience something different. and i believe God gave that to me again last year as His Christmas gift to me. many people were surprised at the last week of the year to learn that i resigned already. when i asked permission from my immediate supervisors to the SVP, i was really sad. as Boss Alex described our conversation, i was really emotional. i have learned to love the organization, the people and everything. but i need to move on. i hate to leave the company on the time it needed me, but i guess i was also selfish coz i did leave.
but as i embark on my new journey in life, i pray that i would still be able to see you guys, to hang-out with you once again, and most of all to help the company in ways i can.
thank you everyone for being understanding, nice, believing in me and most of all for loving me even if i'm really makulit, irritating, demanding, and everything. will see each other again, okay? thank you!
my childhood bestfriend got engaged last week! congrats danny and tina! my sister and i attended the engagement party. naks! oo nga noh! bday and engagement party in one. and when tish was showing me the video of tina accepting the proposal (coz we were late. hehe), my sister told me... "ate tin, si ljieu na lang.." meaning i just have only one bestfriend left who is not engaged nor married. i was supposed to contradict her when i realized she is right. rlyn is married, tina is engaged.. it's just ljieu. but ljieu has a boyfriend. and i think it's just a matter of time before they'll tie the knot. that means i'm the only one single.
tina and i were texting each other yesterday and she asked me.. "When will you get married?" my reply is: "Two years from now. that's why you should pressure yourself to find a husband for me. hehehe"
and the other week, my mom and i saw my cousin who is based in cebu. and my mom asked him to find me a bf. my cousin asked how old i am and i told him i'm only 26. and he said that i'm still young. coz he married at the age of 31. hehehe. and i said that i'm not pressuring myself. it's just my mom who is pressuring me. hehehe.
seriously, i'm not pressuring myself to look for a boyfriend or husband to be or whatever. it's like i'm still not prepared for that. no, it's not because i'm not over anyone yet. it's just a personal mission in life. labo? malabo talaga! hehehe. it's like i want to focus on my career first and if i'm okay with my career, then i'll focus on my lovelife.
and they said that.. either you'll have a great career or a great lovelife. it's one or the other and not the same. but for my case i have none. so maybe, it's not my career i should concentrate on. maybe it's my lovelife. siguro dapat kong kareerin ang lovelife. heheheeh.
just want to share something. a former officemate told me that he'll introduce me to a friend. i said okay and he asked if i want to see his picture so i said sure. and you know what he showed me? not just a picture. but a resumé! when i saw it. i was really laughing and laughing. he's right. at least now i would know already if we're compatible and if his work is okay for me. hahahaha.
i haven't met the guy and i didn't really read his resumé. but that is something new. hehehe
regarding my title: i just said out loud what could my title be. and an officemate asked what about and i said about lovelife. he just answered... Fatal Lovelife. so that's it! bwahahaha
some friends and i were talking and the topic became breaking-up. and here's what we realize why it is hard to move on...
when you are still together, of course there are happy moments. but of course there are sad and bad moments. especially right before the break-up. and when you break-up... all you could think of are the happy moments. this is the perfect time for you to think about all the bad memories. but all you could think of are the good ones. so now, you are having a hard time to move on. now, all you do is cry asking yourself why and what happened coz everything is perfect. but you don't realize it's not. there are also times it's not. that it's bad. but you forget about it. you forget all the hurts you've experienced.
i'm going to be mean. but why is it that the things we have to remember in the moving on stage are the good memories? can't it be the bad ones so that we'll have an easier time to move on? wala lang...
i feel detached from the world now. why? i don't know. i just do. and i think i'm a badder person. i really chose the word badder and not worse. coz i don't think i'm a worse person but just a badder person. i feel worse but i'm not a worse person. get? and this post is a note for everyone. group of people who had been part of my life...
Amapalaya Club - even if i met you guys only this year, i'm so thankful i did. even if i don't get to talk to you guys often.. i'm just glad you're there. and i really appreciate it when you text me khet nonsense na kung ano lang nangyayari sa inyo. at ang mga kabaliwan ni ate mei and meyms sa text, i really appreciate it. sesh 3 na!
BLD Singles - i haven't been able to attend any SE Weekends this summer. ang sad lang. i didn't make any plans for those weekends so that i would be able to attend, but still.. di ako nakapunta. i miss the ministry. my se classmates, the praise ministry (feeling praise ako ha. hehe), and everyone. but it's like i don't want to attend anymore if i'm alone. lalo na if i'll see kuya jo or kuya alfred.. basta parang takot ako sa kanila ngayon. hehehe. i just hope i'll be able to spend time with you guys again.
BLD Youth - i'm really glad for LSS. as for every LSS, i gain new friends. pero syempre, i also miss the old youth. i miss my old friends, friends that i talked to sooo often before. and now, just forwarded messages or none at all. or i am just updated in the multiply. i'm really thankful for multiply. i just miss talking to you guys. i'm really glad for the showers and the wedding that happened early this year, coz it had been a reunion with you. miss ko lang talaga kayo. as in!
Blogsy Friends - i'm loving this name. hehe. thanks carey. i just want to say thank you for always visiting my blog. i know i don't get to visit your blog often now. laziness factor. but still, you visit my blog. even just dropping by to say hi even if i don't have any updates. thank you for keeping the witty comments coming. i really love reading the comments. it makes my day. thanks!
Byutipulgerls - i'm really sorry girls for disappointing you when i was not able to go with you to visit weng. honestly, i feel guilty. coz i know even if my mom told me not to go, as maje said, pwede ko naman hindi sundin. but that time, i just want to follow her. coz i was not feeling good that day. after crying the whole night.. sobrang babaw ng pag-iyak. sobrang babaw ng takot. pero ayoko talaga nang nawawala especially sa magulong lugar. basta girls, i really am sorry...
Econsoc - i miss you guys. i haven't seen you for the longest time. i thought i'll be back in circulation coz punta nga ako dapat 1st day of june. but no! bad trip talaga ang pag-halfday ko last wednesday. nakakasira ng plano. coz i really miss you guys. i miss college and i miss elbi days. sana matuloy talaga ang cagayan summer getaway in august.
Harpers - i'm really thankful for you guys. coz now i found new travel partners. kala mo naman, dami na natin napuntahan. hehehe. basta till the next spontaneous trip or gimik. nood tayo ng surf's up. when's the manila trip? and lastly, palawan friendster party ha.
Household - i miss you girls. kse kayo ang stress reliever ko here in the office. and wala na kayo. i know i have a new household. pero iba pa din kayo. and di ako nakakaattend ng household na bago. kse lunchtime and after lunch. mahirap dumaan. super busy pa ngayon. ate richie, pagbalik mo.. let's just meet up. bisitahin natin si ann! hehehe
Mark 10 - the only ministry that i attend to. hehe. i'm so thankful for Mark10. dream come true and it's my remaining connection to BLD. and i love the kids. khet makulit kayo, love ko kayo. and feeling ko.. kayo ang makakapagpapayat saken sa sobrang pagod. hehe.
Officemates - saturday overtime! i know you'll miss me that's why i was included sa mga magoovertime khet na di naman dapat. haaay... but even if i see you my dear officemates everyday, i also miss you. it's like i haven't talked to you for some time. have not gone out in gimiks with you. promise! i really feel i'm far from you even if i see you people everyday. maybe because we're all busy now. as in really busy. and i just want to thank you guys for everything, for trusting me and for considering me your friend. naks! and to the guys, thank you coz kayo lagi ko kasama ngayon. thank you for bearing with my laziness and my kaartehan. you know what? i just realized.. even if you treat me as literally one of the boys most of the time, you still treat me as a princess. naks!
Racho Family - i'm spending more time with you my immediate family now. and i really thank God for giving me you guys as my family. kahit ganyan si Papa, buti na lang Racho siya. hahaha. i'm really proud to be a Racho. and i hope we'll have our reunion again on october. balik tayo tamblot ha!
16th Ave. Peeps - i miss you guys. haaay... sa ibang lugar na 16th ave. nyo ngayon eh. i hope we'll have a reunion also. i just miss my childhood days. and toni (naks!), nakita ko si mark. yun lang. nakita ko lang. hahaha :)
God - i really miss You. i talk to You every morning, night, every chance i get, but still i miss You. and i think You know what i mean. thank You so much Lord coz even if i'm being too demanding, You still are there for me. and a lot of people has judged me on what my relatioship with you is, but You don't care. You still love me. thank You. and thank You for giving me these people. the people i've mentioned above. coz they really make my life worth living.and Lord, i just miss You. i want to spend quality time again in the Blessed Sacrament, but until now, i haven't done it yet. i am sorry. i love You Lord.
hi guys!
just wanna say that i'll take a vacation first from the cyberworld. a
hiatus as they say. but not only here in the cyberworld pala, even to
everybody. will not answer emails, text messages, calls or anything. so
please bear if i don't leave a comment on your blogs or won't answer
your text messages or even your calls. vacation from the outside world
muna ako. but don't worry, i'll still visit your blogs, but i won't
leave any comments. and also i'll still forward the morning prayers and
ask for your prayer requests from time to time.
just pray for me. for what? i don't know. hehe. and thank you so much
for all your support. (naks! as if! hehe) i'll be back next month. the
reason i wrote this is for you to know na i'm just around the corner.
so you'll not get worried (well, i'm assuming that you will. hehe). so
that's all. see you in a month.
ingat tyong lahat. take care all of us
reasons why i'm not excited for my bday:
1. i don't have any celebration
2. after 5 years, someone's out of my life
3. my phone is busted!
but then great things happened. my sister's bday gift to me is a new phone. yanyan, now i know you're not selfish. hehehe. still can't believe it. wahehehe. i received a phone call from somebody i'm not expecting anymore (please continue praying for me). and this phonecall gave me real hope again. i just hope this happy feeling would not end soon :)
