Prayer of a Frustrated Doctor

my mom was rushed to the hospital last wednesday night. while waiting for the decision of the doctors if she will be admitted, i spent some time first in the chapel praying to God. i asked God to heal my mom, and i told Him that i know He can heal her. then i shifted gear. i then told Him to give me and my siblings faith and acceptance to whatever will happen, to His will.

after some time, i realized that i'm afraid to ask God for something. i totally have faith in God, with His powers and capabilities. i know nothing is impossible with Him. i prayed this way because i'm afraid what if God has other plans for my mom, for our family. i'm afraid to be disappointed. i might lose faith in Him. thus my shift in gear with my prayers. to have an accepting heart with whatever His will is. but i hope it is for my mom to get healed.

since it was unplanned that my mom would stay in the hospital yesterday, i took a leave of absence from the office to be her bantay. when i was still a child, i really wanted to be a doctor. that is my dream. i can be other things also, but still a doctor. but when i grew up, i became afraid. i didn't choose medicine for the fear that my patients would die at my hands. i don't know how to face it. anyway, yesterday, when i was with my mom. i tried to be nurse to her. helping her change her clothes without the aid of the nurse. assisted her when she threw up and stuff. i'm sorry to admit this, but it really grossed me out when cleaning my mom's vomit and seeing her wound bleed. i guess i don't have what it takes to be a doctor. and it really made me admire the doctors and nurses more with their humility.