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Sunday, June 17, 2007

father's day post

the other day my master fitness (the term! hahaha) asked me why i want to slim down.. the main reason.. and i'm giving him all the reasons.. he doesn't buy it. then we went to pleasing people.. told him i'm not pleasing anyone in particular. basta the society. then he mentioned something, and i like reacted sobra. told him the story when my dad said that my ex's current gf is more beautiful than i am because she's smaller than me. and i was like there's a big difference between beauty and sexiness. then master fitness reacted like he got it na. i was trying to please my dad saw. i was like.. what?!?! no, i don't!

then yesterday, i remembered something.. when i was writing my sharing and read it for the first time for the panel.. the reaction of the adults are the same.. i don't see in your sharing how your dad loves you but how you seek acceptance from your dad. my reaction then: "huh? no. he really loved me"

but with my present situation now.. i'm mad again with my dad. actually, i hate him more. it's like they were right. all my life i sought acceptance from my dad. the reason.. coz i never felt that he's really a father. yes, when we were kids he would buy us things, treat us out on weekends, but that's just it. when you need a father, he's not there. i got mad at my dad only last tuesday. and as i told my sister the story, i told her that somehow before we talked i slightly know what would by my dad's reaction to the story but still it was entirely different when i hear him blaming of being oversensitive pa. i admit i'm being too sensitive on things, but i'm sure any girl who was told that would get mad. mabait pa ako at hindi ko sinampal yung nagsabi and i just cried. and i told my sister, he's not really a father. not only because of his reaction last tuesday but also to my sister dati when she got holdapped in a cab.

why are there really assholes?

*i'm sorry for the other fathers out there who deserve to be called a father.. i'm sorry coz this is my father's day post

23 comments:

CM said...

i understand what you're feeling. i hated my dad too, but i learned to accept things. Like, he's really like that, if he changed, then that's good, if not, then i hope he would someday. I know it's not easy, but we have to, cause we shouldn't hate them forever. He's our daddy after all, no matter what.

BW said...

YOu're being pusong mamon this time hahaha. No father would ever put his daughter down. Fathers can be brutally frank with their children and I guess that's their so called prerogative. Call it insensitivity but that's one of the ways they impart the message that they mean business.

When my 5 year old quips to me -Papa you hurt my feelings - I immediately know I've overstepped the boundary. I wished I could say this when I was younger !

My dad never trusted me to accomplish much in life because I wasn't eager to follow everything he wanted. I did what I wanted to do despite his disapproval and achieved my goals and proved him wrong. I was waiting for one opportunity to embarrass him to say - dad you were dead wrong about me but you know what, I just shut my mouth because I loved him as my father. From then on our relationship was great. I guess he realized his mistake.

He lived a long life and passed on and I had great respect for him. Other than our differences, he was firm, honest and a great family man.

tin-tin said...

tin: dati naman i love him sobra. he was my idol. papa's girl nga ako eh. but i think he's changed and he's changing everyday.. becoming more asshole than before..

bw: actually, i'm just waiting for him to say sorry. he knows that he has hurt my feelings a number of times already but he never said sorry. wait! he said sorry once to me and my brother.. but you know that he just said it to shut us up. your dad was a firm, honest and great family man.. my dad is not and i guess, my family would agree with me. so sorry bw if i'm being stubborn or what

tutubi said...

buti na lang di ganyan father ko kahit na may deficiencies kami :)

Wil said...

I never had the best relationship with my Dad. He has since passed on and I regret that we never patched things up before he passed. So I guess, Tin, all you can do is try to make the best of the situation because there may come a time when you won't have that opportunity anymore to smooth things out.

THINZ said...

i'm sorry to hear this.. sna magkaayos na kayo :(

kyels said...

Ate Tin, people changes all the time and I am sure you are aware of that. But whatever it is, the fact that you are your Daddy's daughter will definitely not change.

Though sometimes I realized that parents can hurt our feelings too and it is not a nice feeling, at all.

chase said...

Well my dad is worst and I havent even talked clearly with him for like 3 years now. But luckily I found a substitute father here in Norway.

Toe said...

It's okay Tin-Tin. Pray for him and for your family. Things would get better between you and him.

Jhed said...

Fathers tend to be like that. Cold-hearted and brutal. Pero deep inside, I'm sure they love you with all your heart. :P

rHo said...

i hope maging maayos na ang lahat between you and your father! God bless!

Richard said...

I am sorry you did not have and do not have a good relationship with your father or good memories.

I didn't have a great relationship with my dad. He was never very close to us. I had a much stronger relationship with my mother.

Mostly, I find my dad annoying. Conversation is difficult. We never did things together – he was always working.

Of course, there were worse fathers, but I still wish I was closer to him. Since my mother died, it is hard to keep contact with him – and talking with him is painful. He tries to be a good conversationalist, but sometimes, I think he is trying too hard to speak well, rather than just speaking honestly.

Take care of yourself.

Mai said...

i am not close with my dad either...physically (bec all my life, he's working abroad until now even if he's in his retiring age already) and emotionally. I grew up in a broken family...was raised by my dad but presence-wise, i grew up without a mom and dad. Just recently..(remember the post about me super hurt and downtrodden?)..that was bec of my dad. Haba ng story pero to cut the story short...it was my first time to blurt out what I really feel towards him...I let him knew what I think about him, how I see him. Eversince kasi quiet lang ako..pero as they say pag napupuno..sumasabog.

Anyway, hope you'd be okay soon with your Dad. Try talking to him and let it all out..the sentiments, the pain, questions, doubts...he might not understand nor try to listen...but at least you made him knew about it. :) That's what I did recently...I sent him a 4-paged Microsoft Word email. hehe! Afterwards, tumawag siya...we talked and he apologized.

claire said...

i hope i can say the same thing about not liking or loving my father.. i did not grow up with him by my side.. i guess that's the reason he have qualms in reprimanding me.. he doesn't get mad at me kasi nahihiya sya.. but time went by and so far, we're getting along.. hope yours will be settled smoothly too =)

kyels said...

Off topic; Ate, I just saw your comment on my site about the rice dumpling naman.

Maybe you can try searching for it somewhere at Chinatown? They might have it there.

(:

vina said...

we do not always find the love that we look for or need in our home, or from our own family.

maybe your father is just not capable of loving. maybe he knows that...maybe not. it's his problem either way.

i am sure you are surrounded by people who love you more than your father ever could.

this is what should matter more, tin! *hugs*

ann said...

Nakakalungkot pero sana maging ok na kayo. May mas matitindi at mahihirap pa kesa dyan na relasyon sa magulang pero nalalampasan nila. Hoping for the best.

Jake The Miserable said...

Kung pagkapoot sa tatay ang usapan, hindi ka nag-iisa.

Nu'ng bata ako, OFW ang tatay ko nu'n. He was Jesus The Savior for me sa tuwing umuuwi siya rito kasi hindi ako inaapi ninuman.

Things changed nu'ng nag-retire na siya at nauubos na ang kayamanan niya.

Keeping it short, it turns out na wala na siyang nakikitang tama sa'kin. Lagi na lang akong hinahanapan ng mali. Sa tuwing nakikita niya ako, parang may nakikita siyang "walking disappointment" na nakadikit sa ulo ko.

I'm not in good terms with him until now.

The Artist said...

I do understand the feelings you are expressing, and did feel anger at my own father for sometime for many things.

But as I came to understand his story and the experiences he had had to deal with in his life I lost my anger.

With time I came to realize how alike we were and it was only his difficulties expressing his love and feelings that had caused our differences.

In his later years we had a wonderful closeness.

I do hope this happens for you.

†Shattered Angel† said...

the ability of fathers to stay tough and cold after everything might be very quite irritating but maybe that;s what make them fathers.

Duke said...

Keep your head up and love your dad more.I know this is easier said than done but in the end, if you truly understand, you will love more...

snglguy said...

My Dad and I never did have the best of relationship, not even during his final days. Well, actually I was being an asshole myself, that much I admit. But he is still my Dad and deep inside I know that he loves me inspite of all the disappointments and my shortcomings.

Believe me, your Dad loves you very much. It's just that, we guys often have a difficult time expressing that emotion in both words and action... but it is there.

RennyBA said...

Just here to wish you a wonderful Sunday:-)